I’d be lying if I said I didn’t shed some tears today. I put on the History channel early and the grief and fear resurfaced as it always does and probably always will. So I thought I’d share some of the random thoughts I had, even as I tried to go through my normal work from home day.

I imagine that for the rest of my life, when this day rolls around, it will always feel weird to just behave normally. It seems so wrong to go about my life with the events of that day playing in the back of my mind in an endless loop.

It’s just that it doesn’t seem right to get up on the morning of September 11th, get ready for work, get the kids ready for school and just walk out into a world that is so vastly different then it was on that morning in 2001, even 17 years later, and behave normally. To continue to have that pain and anxiety still living so close to the surface. Judging from Facebook and other social media posts, I’m not along with that. And I’m not saying we shouldn’t continue on with our lives as normal on September 11 every year, it just feels weird. However, I guess it is good that we still remember the victims and heroes of that day.

Whenever I see a meeting or an event scheduled for September 11, it bugs me. Maybe it is completely irrational or maybe  it is completely normal. However, it just doesn’t seem right. Even smiling or laughing on September 11th brings on guilt.

Benjamin and Matthew came home from school today while I had the History channel on. Matt immediately went into question mode. He asked intelligent and somewhat naive questions, the type you would expect a smart 11 year old to ask. He has been to the 9/11 Memorial and Museum in New York, so he has been exposed to it. He seemed ready to learn more. Then a picture flashed on the TV of the first tower getting hit and he quickly threw a blanket over his head. He wasn’t ready to hear more, yet, and I was honestly somewhat relieved. I don’t want to hide the truth from him, but I am not ready for the darker questions that those images would bring on. And he should be allowed hide from it a bit longer.

It’s weird…I first pondered when the boys might be ready for this eight years ago…I still have the same emotions about it.

One of the shows I was watching was about September 10 and it reminded me of seeing Andrea walking down the sidewalk by our house in New Jersey on September 10, 2001, after spending the day at the World Trade Center and how she was almost there on the 11th.

One of the shows also talked about Mike Piazza’s big home run at Shea Stadium. I still get goosebumps and tears.