Yeah, this is my daddy blog, but I feel like I need to write this and get it out there to end a couple of bad cycles I am in. I don’t have a better place for this, but, in all honesty, what I write below has a huge impact on the type of daddy I am…so, please bear with me.
I look at myself, at the gut that I can’t hide underneath my shirts and I feel shame. Two years ago, I was twenty pounds lighter after losing nearly 30 pounds and felt great. However, I started chasing down tomorrows and I haven’t caught one, yet.
I think we all do it or, at least, have done it in the past. We resolve ourselves that we will re-start the diet…tomorrow, or we will get back in the gym…tomorrow, or we will watch less TV starting…tomorrow or we will get back in touch with friends…tomorrow or we will start looking for a new job…tomorrow and so on and so on and so on. Often, tomorrow never really comes. It just turns into a duplicate of today which is a carbon copy of yesterday.
I had a couple of setbacks after I lost my weight. They were “good” excuses that allowed me to sit back and let tomorrow disappear beyond the horizon and then they just became really bad excuses and the weight started coming back. My particular brand of chasing actually made my weight a bigger problem because I would start a day off strong and feeling good. And then, I’d run into temptation and instantly, the battle would be lost.
“I’ll have that extra doughnut and start the diet, tomorrow.”
“Oh, I could really go for a hot dog…It’ll will be okay, I’ll get back on track, tomorrow.”
“It doesn’t matter that I ate that whole sleeve of cookies, I can just start the diet, tomorrow.”
And the weight piles on, literally. Had I not been in a diet mindset of “starting tomorrow” I may have opted against the extra doughnut because I already had one or avoided the hot dog because it is bad for me or just had one or two cookies because no one should eat a whole sleeve of them. If I could just deal with what is best for me today, tomorrow is without shame.
For me, it goes beyond just diet. It includes working out and writing, as well. I love riding my bike in the spring and summer, but with my weight and horrible shape, I feel exhausted. I love writing and I would love to finish my novel and blog more, but finding the time, again, feels hopeless.
(As I write this, I feel like people reading this would think me depressed. I’m not. I have a happy home life that fills me with joy and overall, I am pretty happy. I just know my weaknesses, and, if I could only fix them, I could be that much more happy and have the energy to do the other things I love.)
I know I need to stop putting things off for tomorrow and grab today…embrace today. If I slip and eat that extra doughnut, I know I need to not slip up and eat that hot dog and the sleeve of cookies. I know I can’t sacrifice today at the feet of tomorrow. I am only sacrificing both my short term and long term future.
Writing this, tonight, I hope, is a start. About an hour ago, I had decided to write this, tomorrow. However, obviously, I got off my ass and wrote today. I honestly don’t know if I’ll win these types of battles tomorrow. Honestly, I don’t think I will, even in this moment of self-actualization. All I can do tonight, however, is to make it to bed without eating anything else. I need to pack my gym bag so that it is ready for me to bring to work in the morning so that I can go to the gym at lunch. I need to make a plan for getting healthier foods in the house. These are the things I can do today with the hope that tomorrow doesn’t become yesterday’s doppelganger.
I am hoping I can inspire myself. Perhaps I may be able to inspire someone else, as well. I am tired of chasing tomorrow and I hope I may have finally caught one.